Into my life.
That is all.
I’ve been looking for the perfect chocolate pie recipe.
I haven’t been able to find one.
So I found a starter recipe** and started making changes and wound up with this:
And it’s pretty darn good!
My Chocolate Pie
5 Tablespoons of cocoa
1 cup sugar
5 Tablespoons flour
1 Tablespoon instant coffee
dash of salt
1 1/2 cups of milk
2 egg yolks slightly beaten
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 Tablespoon of butter
Combine all ingredients EXCEPT vanilla and butter in a medium saucepan with a whisk. Over medium heat cook until good and thick and make sure you keep whisking while it cooking. When it’s thickened take it off the burner and whisk in the butter and vanilla. Pour into a cooked pie crust.
Beat your two egg whites and slowly add in 4 Tablespoons of sugar. Continue to beat whites until you have stiff peaks. Arrange on top of your pie and put your pie back into the oven until your meringue is nice and browned.
The original recipe I found was:
This morning I went out to check the mail and saw this:
So I went back in and grabbed my camera.
You see for a couple of weeks now I’ve been falling in love all over again with my home state.
I’ve been asked why I live here.
After all it’s sometimes really dry and often during the summer very (very) hot.
THIS is why I love where I live.
I’ve been struggling to figure out what GOD wants from me. Reciting, what I figure to be, one of the most often heard prayers by GOD, “Please show me Your will.” Patrick (or Reverend Hottness as I like to call him, teehee) and I have spoken about it, I’ve picked up a book on it, and I’ve prayed for signs or dreams to lead me the right way. But the thing is that for longest time I’ve known GOD wants me to do something with the music in our church. We don’t have a music leader and our only piano player has moved away so we have no music at all save for my husband’s lonely guitar. Like I have mentioned before we are a truly small church. Small, yet faithful none-the-less. We pray, we give, we try. Anyhow, I felt like I needed to help with the current music situation. Our congregation has been praying for a new piano player but nary a one has materialized. So, I’ve been churning through the internet looking for free downloads of prerecorded church hymns and I hit pay dirt. I’m so excited. Sunday morning I’m multitasking and have yet to get the music I had found on disc to take to church so dear sweet husband tries to download it for me and it won’t work. I try and it won’t work. I try again and again and again and finally get it on a memory stick. No big deal. This WILL work! So we get to church and I spend the entire span of Sunday school time trying to get it to load into our church’s computer sound system. This whole time I keep thinking “GOD, *what* is up? WHY is this not working? I’m doing this for you! Please! Yet in the back of my mind I keep hearing “Let go. Quit pushing.” However being true to my stubborn self I push and push and then push a little more. If a square peg won’t fit into a round hole then force the sucker. After all this IS the will of GOD so it has to work. I’m struggling and irritated and all the sudden walks in a sweet woman who used to go to our church she looks at my husband and says, “I’m playing today and I want Laurie to lead the music for me.” *WHAM* Right between the eyes and it falls into place and I’m flooded with relief quickly followed by stark terror. Relief because I know that without a shadow of a doubt that this is what GOD wants. Terror because I’m going to have to stand up in front of everyone for better or for worse and sing. I love to sing. Oh my goodness I love to sing but I don’t always do it too well. I squeak i squawk but I have a darn good time doing it. Then again we’ve all been at church when someone has sung a special with all of their heart but we are left thinking “Ohhhhhhh. Bless their heart!” I don’t want to be that person.
So here I am. I’m leading music at church. I’m confessing to my controlling nature that sometimes is only willing to do GOD’s will when it fits into certain comfortable perimeters. If you know me you know the fear and doubts that are playing in my mind. The voices that scream that I’m making an idiot out of myself. Yet I’m stepping outside those boundaries. I’m going to try. I’m going to try because if there is anyone worth being an idiot for it’s GOD.
In this world of blogs, facebook, twitter, macbooks, iphones, ipads, and whatever else you want to throw in there it’s hard. It’s hard for me not to be a little (okay a LOT) jealous of others. I see other people who live in similar life circumstances as myself and wonder why they have so much more than myself. Sometimes a little mental dialogue pops up in my head and I ask GOD, “Aren’t I doing what you want me to do? No I don’t always want to do it but I do it anyway! Doesn’t that count for something? Why do all of these other people in ministry have so much and Patrick and I have so little? Why do we have to struggle so much? When is life going to get easier for us? We try to be good stewards. We go without so much because we feel it’s the right thing to do. Why, GOD, why?” Then I feel guilty. Guilty because we do have so much compared to so many.
Then I come across verses like this: “For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it’s desires pass away, but the man who does the will of GOD lives forever.” 1 John 2:15-17 NIV
And I’m ashamed. I should be happy with what he has given me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am. He loves the true me. The me that is not always so nice. The me that cries all the time anymore. The me that gets upset when my sense of order and organization is threatened. The me that spends way too much time inside my own head. The me that even though I try not to complains about the pain I tend to feel constantly still complains. I also have three children. Three wonderful, kind, and healthy kids that despite all else are good kids that I am so proud of. I’ve never tasted the grief of losing a child. I’ve never, praise you GOD, stood next to a hospital bed wondering if they would live through the night. Never have I had to worry about where they were late at night or what they were up to. I have been so blessed. We have a home that we live in. A home that isn’t fancy but a home that is ours. Running water, heat, and air conditioning that function. My parents and my in-laws are all still living and they are all kind people. I have so much.
I am so blessed.
But sometimes it’s still hard. Hard to see pastors that aren’t bi-vocational living in nicer and larger homes, driving nicer cars, with iphones, and home furnishings that all match. They have churches that grown by leaps and bounds. A church that isn’t in the midst of trying to rebuild after years of hurt people leaving and even more hurt people staying. They go on vacations with the family and out to eat with their family and have what they need to repair the things in their home. Moms who get to stay home. My heart aches to be a mom who stays home. A mom who takes care of the house and doesn’t have to be at work every day at 6:00am at a job that physically wears her body down. Then there are the mission trips they can afford to go on and are supported to go on. The list just goes on and on.
It’s a struggle. An embarrassing struggle. A shameful struggle to even admit that it’s in my head. And I try to remind myself all the time to be happy with what I have and I am happy with it. So truly thankful for all that I have. But in this world it’s so hard not to want the MORE and to also wonder why it isn’t there. Have I done something wrong. Is GOD waiting for me to give into something more. I want to scream, “What is it? What do you want from me? Just tell me and I’ll do it!” And there is silence. I don’t know what He’s waiting for me to get, to understand, to know.
So what’s a girl to do? Well, I pray. I try harder. I admit it. I admit what’s going on in my head. I confess. So here it is. Laid out for anyone who would happen to stumble upon it. It is what it is.
Now THAT was interesting.
Just when I thought, “Okay, that hurt but I can cope.”
It entered a whole new level of YEOWCH!
Pardon me while I go hide in the corner and suck my thumb.
My daughter, Carlie, turned 13 last month.
Due to this, that, and the flu, we didn’t have her dinner until this past weekend.
I can’t believe she’s 13.
I can’t believe how time has slipped by.
I can’t believe how beautiful she is.
We headed to Pizza Hutt , our daughter’s chosen location.
And there were Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and parents, and brothers.
My girl, she made out like a bandit.
However true to her nature she spent very little.
A few small bottles of body spray.
A new pot of nail polish.
My sweet girl who is such a girl.
I don’t always know what to do with you.
I pray I give you all that your heart needs.
I pray for confidence that I didn’t have.
I pray for peace in your spirit.
I love you.