I’ve been struggling to figure out what GOD wants from me. Reciting, what I figure to be, one of the most often heard prayers by GOD, “Please show me Your will.” Patrick (or Reverend Hottness as I like to call him, teehee) and I have spoken about it, I’ve picked up a book on it, and I’ve prayed for signs or dreams to lead me the right way. But the thing is that for longest time I’ve known GOD wants me to do something with the music in our church. We don’t have a music leader and our only piano player has moved away so we have no music at all save for my husband’s lonely guitar. Like I have mentioned before we are a truly small church. Small, yet faithful none-the-less. We pray, we give, we try. Anyhow, I felt like I needed to help with the current music situation. Our congregation has been praying for a new piano player but nary a one has materialized. So, I’ve been churning through the internet looking for free downloads of prerecorded church hymns and I hit pay dirt. I’m so excited. Sunday morning I’m multitasking and have yet to get the music I had found on disc to take to church so dear sweet husband tries to download it for me and it won’t work. I try and it won’t work. I try again and again and again and finally get it on a memory stick. No big deal. This WILL work! So we get to church and I spend the entire span of Sunday school time trying to get it to load into our church’s computer sound system. This whole time I keep thinking “GOD, *what* is up? WHY is this not working? I’m doing this for you! Please! Yet in the back of my mind I keep hearing “Let go. Quit pushing.” However being true to my stubborn self I push and push and then push a little more. If a square peg won’t fit into a round hole then force the sucker. After all this IS the will of GOD so it has to work. I’m struggling and irritated and all the sudden walks in a sweet woman who used to go to our church she looks at my husband and says, “I’m playing today and I want Laurie to lead the music for me.” *WHAM* Right between the eyes and it falls into place and I’m flooded with relief quickly followed by stark terror. Relief because I know that without a shadow of a doubt that this is what GOD wants. Terror because I’m going to have to stand up in front of everyone for better or for worse and sing. I love to sing. Oh my goodness I love to sing but I don’t always do it too well. I squeak i squawk but I have a darn good time doing it. Then again we’ve all been at church when someone has sung a special with all of their heart but we are left thinking “Ohhhhhhh. Bless their heart!” I don’t want to be that person.
So here I am. I’m leading music at church. I’m confessing to my controlling nature that sometimes is only willing to do GOD’s will when it fits into certain comfortable perimeters. If you know me you know the fear and doubts that are playing in my mind. The voices that scream that I’m making an idiot out of myself. Yet I’m stepping outside those boundaries. I’m going to try. I’m going to try because if there is anyone worth being an idiot for it’s GOD.