In this world of blogs, facebook, twitter, macbooks, iphones, ipads, and whatever else you want to throw in there it’s hard. It’s hard for me not to be a little (okay a LOT) jealous of others. I see other people who live in similar life circumstances as myself and wonder why they have so much more than myself. Sometimes a little mental dialogue pops up in my head and I ask GOD, “Aren’t I doing what you want me to do? No I don’t always want to do it but I do it anyway! Doesn’t that count for something? Why do all of these other people in ministry have so much and Patrick and I have so little? Why do we have to struggle so much? When is life going to get easier for us? We try to be good stewards. We go without so much because we feel it’s the right thing to do. Why, GOD, why?” Then I feel guilty. Guilty because we do have so much compared to so many.
Then I come across verses like this: “For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and it’s desires pass away, but the man who does the will of GOD lives forever.” 1 John 2:15-17 NIV
And I’m ashamed. I should be happy with what he has given me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am. He loves the true me. The me that is not always so nice. The me that cries all the time anymore. The me that gets upset when my sense of order and organization is threatened. The me that spends way too much time inside my own head. The me that even though I try not to complains about the pain I tend to feel constantly still complains. I also have three children. Three wonderful, kind, and healthy kids that despite all else are good kids that I am so proud of. I’ve never tasted the grief of losing a child. I’ve never, praise you GOD, stood next to a hospital bed wondering if they would live through the night. Never have I had to worry about where they were late at night or what they were up to. I have been so blessed. We have a home that we live in. A home that isn’t fancy but a home that is ours. Running water, heat, and air conditioning that function. My parents and my in-laws are all still living and they are all kind people. I have so much.
I am so blessed.
But sometimes it’s still hard. Hard to see pastors that aren’t bi-vocational living in nicer and larger homes, driving nicer cars, with iphones, and home furnishings that all match. They have churches that grown by leaps and bounds. A church that isn’t in the midst of trying to rebuild after years of hurt people leaving and even more hurt people staying. They go on vacations with the family and out to eat with their family and have what they need to repair the things in their home. Moms who get to stay home. My heart aches to be a mom who stays home. A mom who takes care of the house and doesn’t have to be at work every day at 6:00am at a job that physically wears her body down. Then there are the mission trips they can afford to go on and are supported to go on. The list just goes on and on.
It’s a struggle. An embarrassing struggle. A shameful struggle to even admit that it’s in my head. And I try to remind myself all the time to be happy with what I have and I am happy with it. So truly thankful for all that I have. But in this world it’s so hard not to want the MORE and to also wonder why it isn’t there. Have I done something wrong. Is GOD waiting for me to give into something more. I want to scream, “What is it? What do you want from me? Just tell me and I’ll do it!” And there is silence. I don’t know what He’s waiting for me to get, to understand, to know.
So what’s a girl to do? Well, I pray. I try harder. I admit it. I admit what’s going on in my head. I confess. So here it is. Laid out for anyone who would happen to stumble upon it. It is what it is.